At church, we’ve been going through a sermon series on the first part of Genesis (creation through Jacob). Last week covered Jacob and his family preparing to meet his brother Esau and Jacob wrestling all night with God. Jacob wouldn’t stop wrestling as the morning dawned, and God eventually put his hip out of joint. Even then, Jacob refused to let go until he received a blessing. And, God blessed him. He gave him a new name, which our pastor talked about as symbolizing a new identity.
As I am a narcissistic person, my thoughts turn to myself, and I wonder – with the hard things I am going through right now – it seems presumptive to call them “trials,” but I guess trials don’t all have to be enduring captivity by Columbian gorillas – is there a blessing at the end of them? Does the blessing depend on me?
Backing up, what would have happened if, when God told Jacob to let him go, Jacob just said, “Ok”? If he gave up, in a sense? Would God have blessed if Jacob hadn’t persisted and asked for (demanded?) a blessing? In some way, was Jacob demonstrating his faith by asking for a blessing, because he believed that God could do so? If he had given up and remained silent, would that have been a marker of unbelief?
The sermon did not go into this, so I don’t know what our paster thinks about these questions.
I do know that 1) God works for the good of those who love him (Romans 8), and 2) faith is how we please God (Hebrews 11). Somewhat unsatisfactorily, Hebrews 11 goes on to say that although OT Bible heroes had faith, they didn’t receive all of what God had promised, because the promise hadn’t come to fruition yet (Jesus). I guess now that we’re in the post-NT era I don’t have to worry about that. I also know that God responds to people’s faith, as demonstrated multiple times in Samuel-Chronicles. This happens to be where my loose reading-through-the-Bible journey has taken me right now. Just read about God saving Jehoshaphat and his people when they chose to rely on him to defeat their enemies.
Some more questions, then. Am I wrestling with God about my trials? Am I wrestling with him about my current disability? About Lindy’s death? About infertility? The answer is, sometimes, maybe. I certainly cry about it and ask God “Why!” every so often. Definitely not all the time. More often than not (hence, partially, starting this blog which may or may not end very soon) I drift along, searching the interwebs, mindlessly reading articles, passing countless hours in activities that numb my mind with the digital equivalent of crack cotton candy. This is more like Jacob shrugging and taking a nap than struggling to throw God to the ground.
I don’t think I’ve even been asking God for a blessing. I HAVE been asking him to give me “my” hips back/take the pain away, to heal my grief, to give us another child. So far, he hasn’t deigned to answer these requests in the way I want (hint, the answer is “yes” to all three), but even if he answered them right now, it wouldn’t feel like a blessing so much as a restoration of a damaged previous whole. Should I be asking for God to give me the blessing that comes WITH my hip pain, WITH a dead child, WITH barrenness? To be honest, I can’t really see how he would do that, but my imagination isn’t as good as God’s. More concerning, perhaps, is the idea that these blessings could come with a new identity. Jacob was changed from The One Who Deceives to Israel, The One Who Struggles with God (or, maybe as our pastor said, The One Whom God Strives For). Am I ready for God’s blessing?
I do not know if I am prepared for everything the Lord has for me, but I do know that he is good, and his love endures forever. I know that I am disgusted with how I choose to live my life, and by trying to save my life I will only lose it. I acknowledge, even if I do not always feel it in my marrow, that I am beguiled by mud piles when God has infinitely better things to offer, like C.S. Lewis said.
Heavenly Father, let me strive with you in my trials. May I not let you go until you bless me with blessings only you can give. If this involves transforming my identity, let it be so. Let all the glory be yours.
SDG